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- Silent treatment refers to intentionally withdrawing from an interaction, refusing to engage further, and shutting the other person out for extended periods.
- Psychologist Kristin Davin writes that although there are many reasons someone might use the silent treatment, it often has negative consequences and can become abusive.
- Dr Nicole Le Pera says, in a home, it can have a devastating impact on children who experience a parent's loss of love as a deep wound they personalise. Then, internalise: "I'm unlovable."
The silent treatment is one of the reasons many relationships aren't working or have failed.
Even though it is used to cope with challenges in the relationship, it does more damage than good when you don't express your feelings.
Psychologist Dr Kristin Davin writes that silent treatment refers to intentionally withdrawing from an interaction, refusing to engage further, and shutting the other person out for extended periods.
"When this happens, the person on the receiving end feels invisible, like they don't matter. Although there are many reasons someone might use the silent treatment, it often has negative consequences and can become abusive," says Dr Daivn.
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According to Kristin, these are warning signs that the silent treatment may be abusive:
-They use it as a manipulation tactic to control the situation or conversation
-They know it bothers their partner or spouse but continue to do it anyway
-They use it as a form of passive-aggressive communication
-It lasts for an inordinate amount of time
-It leaves the person receiving it feeling more anxious, isolated, and alone
-It forces the partner to reconcile with the abuser
-It begins to erode a person’s self-worth or self-esteem
-The perpetrator of the silent treatment explicitly blames their partner for causing the silence
The damage relates not only to romantic relationships but also to any other relationship because it is not a healthy way to deal with issues.
Psychologist Dr Nicole Le Pera says silent treatment is a form of stonewalling, where a person completely shuts down, withdraws love, and ignores another person's existence.
In a home setting, "Silent treatment is a form of normalised emotional abuse. This can have a particularly devastating impact on children who experience a parent's loss of love as a deep wound they personalise. Then, internalise: "I'm unlovable."
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Dr Nicole says this is what silent treatment is NOT:
- taking space
- going quiet from a fear-based trauma response
- not speaking or needing quiet after an argument
- disconnecting with someone or removing ourselves because of boundary violations.
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"People who engage in the silent treatment have typically learned this from their own parent figures. They struggle to self-regulate or are easily emotionally flooded (overwhelmed). To heal from these patterns, we have to learn to communicate," Dr Nicole says.
Communicating when feeling overwhelmed may sound like:
- "I feel myself shutting down. I need to take a break."
- "I will be able to talk soon after I calm down."
- "I need space to think, and I love you."
- "I can't form thoughts right now, so now isn't a good time to talk."
- "My nervous system is really overwhelmed, and I feel angry, give me some time to bring myself back to balance."
She adds that if you use the silent treatment to punish or control, notice this. Become aware of it. "Return to your body and understand you simply don't feel safe. Be compassionate with yourself and work on communication skills and conflict repair skills."
Additional sources: Choosing Therapy
