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- Life coach, Thembi Hama, says people-pleasers suffer in silence as they are afraid to say how they feel because they want to be the saviour or fixer in situations.
- However, setting boundaries is important in making sure that people don't treat you like a doormat.
- You can't please everyone, so if you can't do something, say so.
You can't save everyone without eventually sacrificing yourself. But for those who are people-pleasers, it is difficult to set boundaries and say no.
Life coach Thembi Hama calls it the "saviour or fixer mentality". Sometimes you have to look at other people's issues and say, "that's not my circus, and those are not my monkeys", she says.
People-pleasers might not always be able to recognise how they break their backs for others, and often, their actions aren't reciprocated.
10 characteristics of a people-pleaser:
1 - People find it easy to walk all over you (you end up becoming a doormat);
2 - You say yes to depletion;
3 - Your good deeds cloud everything;
4 - Avoiding conflict and confrontation;
5 - Inability to say "no";
6 - People-pleasing at your own expense;
7 - Wanting to save or fix others;
8 - Fearing being wrong;
9 - Fearing hurting others;
10 - Defining yourself by how much you can help, save or fix others.
READ MORE | 'I love my partner but he's unable to find work and I'm no longer willing to struggle with him'
A good start to stop the habit of pleasing others would be to find your voice and set boundaries in your relationships.
Say how you genuinely feel
Do this without consideration of how people will receive it. Tell others how you truly feel, do not misrepresent the truth or facts to make them feel happy or comfortable. When you lie or alter facts, you are betraying the self. When you betray the self, you lose all authenticity. Truth does not have to hurt. Truth is quite simply the truth. Is there something you have been meaning to say to someone, perhaps something that is bothering you? Summon the courage to tell them this week.
Be confident about how you feel
No self-doubt or second-guessing yourself. Work from a place of identifying and protecting your peace. What gives you peace? What do you want your life to be like? Write it down as your mission statement and paste it in a place you will see daily and for the next couple of days, live your life from that perspective. That is your compass and north star.
Set conditions and boundaries
Let others know how far you will go and what you will not do. Hold people accountable to those conditions and boundaries when they cross them. Give ultimatums (If this does not happen, this will happen), e.g., if I do not get back my money by the end of the month, it will be difficult for me to lend you money again. See where you can compromise, if at all. Is there someone who has crossed the line in your life?
READ MORE | Are you always apologising when you really shouldn't? A psychologist tells us how to break the habit
Let people choose their paths
You cannot fix people. You cannot think for people. There is a difference between helping people and controlling people. Let adults be adults and live the consequences of their actions. Have a plan in place for how you will deal with certain people based on their past track record. Appeal to their humanness, speak from the heart to the heart. Saying no does not mean you have to fight people or break up with them. You can still say no politely and in the kindest way possible.
Be okay about standing in your truth
No matter what happens, be comfortable with losing people who do not respect or value you. Have a no-regrets policy when doing what makes you happy. Remember, people can only meet you at the level you have met yourself. In other words, how people treat us reflects on how we treat ourselves. Do not feel guilty for demanding that which you are giving. For example, do not feel guilty for expecting and demanding respect if you are respectful for expecting and demanding trust if you are trustworthy.
Help people in a healthy way that does not compromise yourself or them
Give from your excess and do not enable people's dysfunctions in the name of helping them. Do not rush to make decisions or respond to requests unless you are sure it is the right decision. Let people know that you will respond later. Give yourself time to sit with something before you say or do something you will regret. Alternatively, consult someone you trust for advice.
