Publications
Partners
- Psychologist Dr Nicole LePera says the fantasy and fairytale we hold about love only lead to resentment and disappointment.
- "Mature love won't make it into the movies, but it is the path to fulfilment," she says.
- For love to come into your life, you must be realistic about what it is.
It is easy to create a fantasy about what your love life is supposed to look like, and these ideas impact our response to love when it comes along.
Psychologist Dr Nicole LePera says the fantasy and fairytale we hold about love only lead to resentment and disappointment.
"Mature love won't make it into the movies, but it is the path to fulfilment.
"In culture, we've learned to view love as escapism. If we meet the 'right' person, they'll rescue us from life as we know it. Then, we can ride off into our happily ever after. When the fantasy (which is actually just a hormonal response in the body) ends, we're left with another human being. And, we have to navigate life with this person," she says.READ MORE | Lasting love is built on emotional intimacy - a psychologist says it takes these 5 skills
For love to come into your life, you must be realistic about what it is.
Dr Nicole details 9 tenets of mature love:
1. We are responsible for our own happiness
We are active participants in making ourselves happy, practising self-care, and meeting our own needs. This makes us better partners who are emotionally available to each other.
2. We speak our needs directly
We say what we want and what we need, even when uncomfortable. If we don't express our needs, we don't expect them to be met. We don't engage in mixed messaging or passive-aggressive behaviour.
3. We give space as needed
Space means love. We understand space is necessary for any emotionally healthy person. We respect the need for space and understand it makes our relationship more connected when we return.
READ MORE | Psychologist shares 5 tips for couples aiming to grow together
4. We forgive ourselves, regularly
We forgive each other when we are not the best versions of ourselves. We do not expect perfection and accept each other's flaws. We see the good in each other and affirm that we're doing the best we can.
5. We stay connected in conflict
We understand conflict is a natural part of life and practice active listening and open communication. We work as a team to understand each other and find solutions, not to score keep or "one-up" each other.
6. We find play, together
We find unstructured time to just be ourselves. We make a consistent effort to plan this time, doing whatever makes us feel good and connected.
READ MORE | The body never lies - 7 tell-tale signs of deception to remember
7. We do not place all the pressure to meet needs on each other
We show interest in and actively attempt to meet each other's needs on a regular basis. We also establish a support system outside of partnership so multiple people can meet our needs
8. We support each other's self-expression
We know the best partners allow each other to be themselves fully. We allow freedom and exploration and are committed to each other's growth
9. We are autonomous adults
We are not each other's parents, and we are autonomous adults. Each partner is capable of making their own decisions, setting their own boundaries, and mutual respect is given.
