‘At your age you can't be fussy’: Should you settle when you’re dating after 40?

• Women in their forties receive a lot of criticism for being single.
• A woman candidly explains how and why she is still single in her forties.
• She has, however, quit putting pressure on herself to be in a relationship in recent years. And she has been happy.

A few years ago, an acquaintance tried to set me up with a friend of hers. He sounded quite impressive from the way she described him.

At the back of my mind, I wondered why she didn't date him if he was so amazing. She was single, successful, and quite beautiful.

But, I politely declined despite her attempts at being an Indian matchmaker. 

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Her response was: "Well, at your age, you can't be fussy."

I had just turned 40 at the time.

That remark caught me off guard, and since we were at a gathering with family and friends, I just laughed it off. But that comment stuck with me and has become a bit of an inside joke between my best friend and I.

As a single woman in her forties, this has been a question that pops up in conversations more times than not, especially if you're brown and still single. "Are you seeing someone? Why not? Don't you want to get married?"

Erm, no, it's been my plan to live alone with my books, plants, and cats all along. And then finally die. Alone. And maybe my cats will eat me before my body is found because, after all, I live alone. That was my plan all along. There. Now you know! I've also failed hopelessly at keeping my plants alive. But people keep giving them to me as gifts.

Of course, I don't really say that out loud, but sometimes I wish I could yell that at the next aunty who asks me, just so I could record the reaction.

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But back to being brown, single, and in my forties. Yes, I know I've said that a few times. When I was in my early twenties, my grandmother would tell me how important it was that I learnt how to cook. After all, how would I find a husband if I could not cook? I must say my skills at making two-minute noodles have significantly improved.

And I still can't make roti. And no, my grandmother would not be rolling in her grave because even though she would have liked to have seen me get married, it wasn't number one on her list for me. More than anything else, she wanted me to be strong and independent.

Maria Pillay. Image supplied.

You may have married at 22, had four kids, and have your picket fence or maybe your townhouse in Midrand. Well, great for you. That worked for you. Now, can you leave the rest of us alone to walk our own path.

Stop treating unmarried women like there's something wrong with them. And stop asking married people when they're having kids. That's none of your business. And it's really rude.

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Why am I still single? Well, if you must know. I'm generally an introvert - unless I'm with really close friends. But even then, I'm the quiet one until we start playing 30 seconds. I think I can be really fun and charming until I meet a guy I like - and then I forget how to speak English when they're around.  

Friends have suggested online dating, but I prefer meeting someone in real life and letting them see me without the filters immediately. I mean, who looks like their profile picture these days anyway. Imagine meeting someone online, and they see you in person and realise the pictures lied.

Then they go to the bathroom and never come back, and you're left sitting at the restaurant by yourself. Hopefully, they decide to run away before ordering, so you're not left with the bill as well. Okay, yes, I think of worst-case scenarios, which is why I would not go the online dating route. A friend introduced me to the show Catfish a few years ago. That has made me even more paranoid. 

Oh, and also Tinder Swindler.

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But in the last few years, I've stopped putting pressure on myself to be in a relationship. And I've been quite content. I have great friendships, a job I love, and my relationship with God is basically what guides me. I'm in no rush to be in a relationship, but if it happens, that's great too. All I'm saying is that I want to be allowed to live my life without constantly having to explain to people why I'm single.