Publications
Partners
- Psychologist Dr Nicole LePera shared four behavioural indicators of a dysfunctional relationship cycle.
- The honeymoon phase is the most addictive part of the cycle, where partners exist on a "high", similar to the passionate feelings of when they first met.
- It may look like the couple is madly in love when one partner showers the other with love, words of affirmation, grand gestures or extreme jealousy, but it is toxic.
Some behaviours and patterns in relationships lead to a path of destruction. They create dysfunction in the relationship, which may be hard to remedy. The behaviour is so toxic that the couple may be addicted to each other, which is not healthy.
Psychologist Dr Nicole LePera shared 4 behavioural indicators of a dysfunctional relationship cycle.
1. One (or both partners) seek domination or control
Typically, this is a subconscious process where one or both partners seek the "upper hand" in the relationship. This gives them a false sense of control and an illusion that they will not be abandoned. This is done through love bombing, gaslighting, isolation from others, excessive neediness, etc.
Note: In dysfunctional relationships, there's a deep fear and pre-occupation with abandonment.
READ MORE | A reset, not a breakup: How to take a marriage sabbatical the right way
2. Withholding as punishment
One partner removes love or affection as punishment, which triggers core childhood attachment wounds originally experienced with parent figures. This emotional abandonment creates an adrenal response, releasing stress hormones like adrenaline and norephedrine. The nervous system enters a sympathetic (fight or flight) state.
READ MORE | 7 expectations that prevent healthy relationships - 'Love should feel like a fairy tale'
3. A focus on 'winning back' love
After the emotional rejection or abandonment, there comes a chronic focus on winning back the love of a partner. Even if the partner is not healthy or is guilty of harmful behaviour, the threat of abandonment is overwhelming.
One partner will shower the other with love, words of affirmation, grand gestures or extreme jealousy. There's typically a lot of sexual intimacy and physical touch during this phase that triggers the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin through the body.
Oxytocin creates feelings of warmth, euphoria, positive memories (this is why partners will see "good" even in unhealthy or abusive partners), trust and empathy (this is why many abuse victims are empathetic towards their abusers).
The process is extremely addictive and intoxicating, specifically to those who were raised under childhood emotional neglect (CEN).
READ MORE | 4 signs your 'relationship' is a long-term fling that's unlikely to turn real
4. The honeymoon
This is the most addictive part of the cycle, where partners exist on a "high", similar to the passionate feelings of when they first met. With oxytocin flowing, they feel high in love. But, because issues haven't been worked through, and the same patterns of behaviour continue, partners are in a state of denial. They may have false hope that something will be "different this time".
Ultimately, because they are not doing inner work to shift and change their own dysfunctional patterns (or only one partner is doing this work), the same conflict and issues arise and the cycle repeats.
Outsiders can't understand the physical addiction that happens in the body or what their friend or family member see in their partner. The truth is that a powerful chemical reaction happens in the body, and logic is lost.
