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It’s important to let children express themselves. It can save years of heartache, pain and sorrow.
The saying that children should be seen and not heard is a damaging relic about parenting from past centuries of ignorance. This archaic thinking should be completely banished from our minds if we wish to see our children flourishing to their full potential.
A 13-year-old came in with her mother to see me at my practice. She wore a pleasant smile, so I assumed the purpose of the visit was a minor problem. I was taken aback when the teenager mentioned that she came because she had issues that were bothering her.
I was surprised because I rarely hear children expressing their issues; that is something I often hear from adults.
Children and adolescents generally never speak about their feelings or what’s bothering them for a variety of reasons, including fear that no one will listen to them; not knowing how to express themselves; fear that their parents might scold them or beat them; and because they don’t trust adults.
Children bottle issues that bother them and if those issues are too big to handle they repeatedly complain of all type of symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches. If the issues linger on for too long they may affect their schoolwork or behaviour.
Such children might behave oddly or display temper tantrums out of frustration and anger.
This teenager mentioned that she had a headache, which roused my suspicion that there was more to the reason for the visit. When I asked her whether there was anything troubling her, she coyly mentioned, looking down, away from me and her mother, that she had “some issues”.
She felt that her mother did not give her enough attention, as she did her two little nieces, and that she didn’t love her.
The mother, single and divorced, had the huge responsibility of raising her late sister’s two children, who were about three years old.
I explained to the teenager that she might be misinterpreting her mother’s actions.
I know from experience the dilemma of parents who have to divide time and love according the needs of their children.
Dividing time is not easy, especially when there are children with special medical needs, children with mental challenges or those on drugs.
I explained to the teenager, as best as I could, about her mother’s moral obligation to raise her late aunt’s children and that young children need more time than older ones.
I stressed to her that she should not feel that her mother loved her any less because she spent more time on her nieces. The teenager understood and felt better after I explained the challenges that her mother faced as a single parent.
On a follow-up visit she looked more at ease and towards the end of that visit she mentioned an incident when she was seven years old.
Her dad, who was staying with the family at the time, was drunk one night and he insisted that she should stop watching TV and go to bed. She told him that she would do so after the episode of a show that the family were watching was over, but the dad would not hear any of that.
In front of her older brother and mother, he took her quite roughly by the scruff of the neck and dragged her to her room while she screamed.
The teen said she was most upset that neither the brother nor the mother intervened. The mother only intervened when the father pulled out a gun.
The only possible explanation for the mother’s delay in intervening was that she feared that her intervention would lead to her drunk husband hurting all of them in his rage.
I explained to the teenager that her mother risked her life when she confronted her drunk and armed husband. I made her understand that mothers, out of love, will risk their own lives to save those of their children.
It seemed she felt reassured by my explanation because she understood the dynamics at play at the time, that is, her father could have killed all of them.
I called the mother in to explain what had bugged her child for so long. The mother had tears in her eyes as she recalled that horrid moment and admitted that she was terribly afraid of her husband because she knew how dangerous he could be under the influence of alcohol.
I was pleased that in just two sessions I could clear seven years of pain for the teenager and strengthen the bond between the mother and daughter, who had felt that her mother did not love her.
Children, through their immaturity, sometimes say the most hurtful things to parents who love them dearly. It is not always easy to get through to your children if they have made up their minds that you don’t love them.
I wish to commend the mother in this case for seeking help. An independent and objective session with a counsellor can save years of pain, heartache and sorrow.
Failure to address issues that affect children often leads to them becoming depressed, dropping out of school and even turning to drugs.
Children must be heard, and given an opportunity to say what they think and feel, to save them the devastating consequences of pent-up emotions in their adult lives.
Rapiti is a family physician specialising in child, mental health and addiction counselling
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Ellapen Rapiti
