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- Dating coach Dudu Nhlabathi Madonsela says dating is tricky and that finding a soulmate has become an extreme sport, so people don't wear their hearts on their sleeves anymore.
- You may want to become exclusive with someone you were seeing casually. How do you start having the conversation?
- Love happens, and when it does, celebrate that you got the opportunity to love, regardless of the outcome.
As dating coach Dudu Nhlabathi Madonsela puts it, "We live in a world where finding a soulmate has become some extreme sport and thus, no one wears their heart on their sleeve anymore."
So, we hear this a lot: "Go on dates, meet different people, just have fun." But it doesn't always end in fun and games.
The heart always has a way of responding with love, no matter how much the mind tries to rationalise things. A casual fling may turn into something more, you could fall in love.
There are many expectations when dating, even when things aren't serious. We use terms like "we aren't exclusive" to make the dating not so intense.
Relationship expert Lisa Concepcion once explained it: "Simply put, dating exclusively means both people are only focused on one another. They're not juggling other people."
"Dating is complex, as you must constantly try to figure out what the other person is thinking every step of the way," Dudu says.
So, at what point can you consider speaking to the person about becoming exclusive?
READ MORE | Here's where to meet the ideal guy, according to a dating coach
Dudu shares three indicators that it might be safe to have the exclusive conversation:
Nothing beats consistency. A person's consistent actions are the biggest measure as to whether the person you are with is serious about pursuing a relationship with you or not. We all eventually revert to our default settings, and it is very hard to pretend with a person you feel lukewarm about.
They slowly invite you to their world. Human beings are social beings and the opinions and approval of the people we live with matter a great deal. This is why if we have something or someone we are proud of, we want to show them off.
They tell you how they feel. We fear losing that which is of value to us, and if it means having to blurt out our intentions to keep the love interest, we will do so.
READ MORE | 5 reasons why setting boundaries can change your life for the better
No one wants to ask, "What are we?" only to be told, in John Legends' Ordinary People lyrics:
"We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go.
'Cause we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
Take it slow"
Dudu says there is nothing wrong with having an honest conversation as long as you get the timing right.
"I would be very concerned if someone told me they were ready to talk within days of meeting a potential mate. Yes, it is true if you know, but desperation also makes us see things, and you would not want to scare off a potential lover by coming off too strong too soon," she says.
People love people who are at ease, making them feel at ease. So, should you decide to talk, make the process as easy as possible. Don't pressure the person for a commitment. Try to establish that you are both on the same page regarding where the relationship is heading before you state your case.
READ MORE | 8 signs it is time to let go of a relationship that doesn't serve you anymore
If you feel like you want to be exclusive with someone you initially had a "thing" with, don't hold back.
"You can either lurk around in the background and hope the person of your dreams eventually comes around, or you can gracefully leave and find someone looking for that which you are looking for. I don't advise people to lurk around. Go out there, meet people, enjoy yourself...
"Love happens, and when it does, celebrate that you got the opportunity to love, regardless of the outcome," Dudu says.
